There’s always some point in life, when you just achieved, or just overcome some hurdle and whatnot. Your ego inflates, you feel more confident, you think you are mature enough to handle whatever’s going to fly at you next. And then you get beat back into reality, adapt and learn, to overcome that initially impossible obstacle, and the entire cycle repeats itself.
For my own personal experiences, it is after somehow scrapping through every major fear, do I fall into this vicious cycle. It could be something as academic as your exams, or as basic as your relationships with the ones you love around you. One key thing I still, until now, am drilling into my head is that I am always still growing and maturing. It is a vision, to be a “mature, fully-grown adult”, it exists only as a goal to strive towards to, ever reaching it yet never there.
But I still fall into the egoistic self-centered trap that I am already at the pinnacle, that I am infallible. I keep falling into that irresistible temptation that I have done enough, finished the job, experienced what life is; That I am perfect already.
I have had to swallow a reality pill from time to time, the most recent one several months ago, a much needed rap to my dense skull sometimes. Yet one thing I have always failed to understand until now, that I have yet to realise the long lasting effects of such mistakes. I merely write it off, “Oh shit, that was retarded of me, gah, I’ll do better next time” once, twice, then indefinitely on and on.
It will always be a regret, it has aftereffects that linger on that you might feel for the rest of your life. Right now, I am only just aware that I have been paying very badly for two wrong decisions that I have made in my life. One dates almost 6 years ago, and the other exactly 24 months from this very date. For the former, it is a work in progress to purge it from my character, but the latter is much, much more complicated and hits a little closer to the heart.
All I can say is, I fully accept what torment it have, and will continue to bring to this little overburdened soul of mine. It is no point airing my dirty linen, trying to get sympathy or advice when I am the one that dragged myself into this. Whatever annoyance, hurt or upsets it may bring to me, it is nothing but a long, outstanding debt I know I owe to myself for that moment of folly before.
And hopefully it will not weigh me further down any more.
