It is the same time again. It is when we berate ourselves for all the stupidity committed. It is when we kick ourselves for all the actions we regretted. It is when we look forward to burying the past, and perhaps to a new start.
It is time for a little pause.
I do believe I have matured this year; not surprisingly, it has been a pretty shitty one from my point of view. For the first time in my life, I actually looked back on NYE, and felt that time has actually went by goddamn slow. Aside from the current(and pretty obvious) problems I face, it did not really help that I was dragging alone baggage from the year(or maybe two) before. At least now I can say I have thrown some of it away. I hope.
There is always the topic of relationships when you look at how things fared at the end. Sometimes, things work out, and sometimes they just do not. Sometimes it’s from the most unexpected avenue where you find the ones you can trust the most. And then once in a while you realise you are simply dragging someone down by clinging on to much, and it’s time to release that death grip of yours. I need to keep an open mind. It has applied to be in several forms this year, be it army, of from friends from schooling days. You squeeze when should, and release when you have to. And burn bridges when you absolutely need to.
I felt like the last two years, oddly enough, were useful. For one, they have really made me think about my family more. When I was overseas, it’s odd that I really felt a need to talk to them, and they were not the ones that was worried, rather I was. Thinking about involving them more in my life. I guess this is the end of the teenage years that we know off? Then again maybe I am thinking far too ahead, as usual. I know my male chinese ego(don’t laugh) would not let me show this upfront, but I would want to start making the small things that really count.
And then, there is the year ahead. My life as I know of right now would culminate and end within these two months. Then the cycle repeats itself, a new environment, new people, but hopefully a wiser protagonist. I honestly do not look forward to going back to studies. It’s as if you finally mastered a ball game, and then you get promoted, and throw into a completely different arena; with all new rules of their own. I am a creature of habit, admittedly, and I hate change, but from all the phases I have left behind in the past, this would probably hurt the most, seeing how much I have grown into the people, and to the job. Ironic, no? But a fresh start is at least better than nothing, another chance to make the correct decisions for once. I always make the shitty first impressions, and take time to get to know things better, maybe that’s why I resent the changes so much.
Incoherent ramblings inside, I actually can summarise the year into two pretty succinct points;
- I feel lighter.
- Indecision is usefully the worst decision of them all.
These were the things I learnt which I felt help me grow the most. Learning that as you grow older, you need to really throw some shit away. I think I have let go alot this year, be it mentally or emotionally. It is impossible for me to progress dragging any and every fuck shit I have committed or wish to avenge along with me. It is more of accepting that I am not the reason why things are the way they resulted, and it’s time to give it up. Take things down a notch, life is not meant to be that serious, no?
And for the second point, I need some more incision in my choices, I need to be firm. Taking some time to think about it is fine; getting stuck and not doing anything about it for two years, is not. In the end, I would just end up squandering the entire opportunity, and letting it slide.
Admittedly, I did leave something hanging for almost two long and stupid years, before letting it slide away at last. Because somethings are just not worth holding on to.
