It is time for a little pause.

I do believe I have matured this year; not surprisingly, it has been a pretty shitty one from my point of view. For the first time in my life, I actually looked back on NYE, and felt that time has actually went by goddamn slow. Aside from the current(and pretty obvious) problems I face, it did not really help that I was dragging alone baggage from the year(or maybe two) before. At least now I can say I have thrown some of it away. I hope.

There is always the topic of relationships when you look at how things fared at the end. Sometimes, things work out, and sometimes they just do not. Sometimes it’s from the most unexpected avenue where you find the ones you can trust the most. And then once in a while you realise you are simply dragging someone down by clinging on to much, and it’s time to release that death grip of yours. I need to keep an open mind. It has applied to be in several forms this year, be it army, of from friends from schooling days. You squeeze when should, and release when you have to. And burn bridges when you absolutely need to.

I felt like the last two years, oddly enough, were useful. For one, they have really made me think about my family more. When I was overseas, it’s odd that I really felt a need to talk to them, and they were not the ones that was worried, rather I was.  Thinking about involving them more in my life. I guess this is the end of the teenage years that we know off? Then again maybe I am thinking far too ahead, as usual. I know my male chinese ego(don’t laugh) would not let me show this upfront, but I would want to start making the small things that really count.

And then, there is the year ahead. My life as I know of right now would culminate and end within these two months.  Then the cycle repeats itself, a new environment, new people, but hopefully a wiser protagonist. I honestly do not look forward to going back to studies. It’s as if you finally mastered a ball game, and then you get promoted, and throw into a completely different arena; with all new rules of their own. I am a creature of habit, admittedly, and I hate change, but from all the phases I have left behind in the past, this would probably hurt the most, seeing how much I have grown into the people, and to the job. Ironic, no? But a fresh start is at least better than nothing, another chance to make the correct decisions for once. I always make the shitty first impressions, and take time to get to know things better, maybe that’s why I resent the changes so much.

Incoherent ramblings inside, I actually can summarise the year into two pretty succinct points;

1. I feel lighter.
2. Indecision is usefully the worst decision of them all.

These were the things I learnt which I felt help me grow the most. Learning that as you grow older, you need to really throw some shit away. I think I have let go alot this year, be it mentally or emotionally. It is impossible for me to progress dragging any and every fuck shit I have committed or wish to avenge along with me. It is more of accepting that I am not the reason why things are the way they resulted, and it’s time to give it up. Take things down a notch, life is not meant to be that serious, no?

And for the second point, I need some more incision in my choices, I need to be firm. Taking some time to think about it is fine; getting stuck and not doing anything about it for two years, is not. In the end, I would just end up squandering the entire opportunity, and letting it slide.

Admittedly, I did leave something hanging for almost two long and stupid years, before letting it slide away at last. Because somethings are just not worth holding on to.

At times, I hope to be mature; responsible; depended upon for making the right decisions
Yet, I hope to never feel like I have let someone down when they needed me

Occasionally, I hope to always have someone to turn to when I need to
Yet, I hope to never have to burden others with my problems

Once in a while, I hope be able to fully understand the world, and the people that live in it
Yet, I hope to always be an enigma to my own wants.

I always hoped that somehow, somewhere at a certain point of time, the dice that is fate would roll in my favour.

But I could never hope to understand why I have always refused to even throw.

there are no strong men, there
are no beautiful women.
at least, you can die knowing
this
and you will have
the only possible
victory

- charles bukowski

I didn’t even need to think twice.

And I have yet to watch that movie.

For my own personal experiences, it is after somehow scrapping through every major fear, do I fall into this vicious cycle. It could be something as academic as your exams, or as basic as your relationships with the ones you love around you. One key thing I still, until now, am drilling into my head is that I am always still growing and maturing. It is a vision, to be a “mature, fully-grown adult”, it exists only as a goal to strive towards to, ever reaching it yet never there.

But I still fall into the egoistic self-centered trap that I am already at the pinnacle, that I am infallible. I keep falling into that irresistible temptation that I have done enough, finished the job, experienced what life is;  That I am perfect already.

I have had to swallow a reality pill from time to time, the most recent one several months ago, a much needed rap to my dense skull sometimes. Yet one thing I have always failed to understand until now, that I have yet to realise the long lasting effects of such mistakes. I merely write it off, “Oh shit, that was retarded of me, gah, I’ll do better next time” once, twice, then indefinitely on and on.

It will always be a regret, it has aftereffects that linger on that you might feel for the rest of your life. Right now, I am only just aware that I have been paying very badly for two wrong decisions that I have made in my life. One dates almost 6 years ago, and the other exactly 24 months from this very date. For the former, it is a work in progress to purge it from my character, but the latter is much, much more complicated and hits a little closer to the heart.

All I can say is, I fully accept what torment it have, and will continue to bring to this little overburdened soul of mine. It is no point airing my dirty linen, trying to get sympathy or advice when I am the one that dragged myself into this. Whatever annoyance, hurt or upsets it may bring to me, it is nothing but a long, outstanding debt I know I owe to myself for that moment of folly before.

And hopefully it will not weigh me further down any more.

Blog surfing for a bit when I stumbled upon this quote, and a sense of deja vu passed over me. It was well founded, though, because I remember where I read it before, in MUTF, if I’m not wrong, or one of the other urban training facilities when I was training there in the last few months. It almost perfectly encapsulates what we feel about national service, sure, after the two years, there might be talk about pride, honour and how it turns boys into men, and how it should remain as an integral part of the Singapore society. But all this glory talk aside, if you had the choice, which buffoon would actually volunteer himself for service? Most, if not all, just want to serve and fuck off for good.

When I rediscovered this quote, I went everywhere to try to find for the source of it, but it does not seem to have originated from anywhere. So, I say kudos so the fellow who wrote this(in camo or in paint, I know not) on the grimy walls of whichever training facility it may have been. You just summarised the entire nation’s male population’s frustration so succinctly.

It’s been quite a while since I came back here. And since I’m flying off to Taiwan(*mock joy!*) this Saturday probably going to be at least three more weeks before I even remember to revisit here again after this. Life’s been…in my face, so to speak. It’s by no means enjoyable, but oddly, not stressful. You live in an environment where your next few hours are resolutely dictated for you, and you just wall off your reactions and comply.

In a way, it slows down the pace of things a little, and let you rediscover some images you were previously capable of viewing – yourself. I’m still growing, I admit, and the past few months have undoubtedly left a reasonably strong and fresh impression of myself on myself.

A little soul searching is needed here, and some direction to be found. However, I am simply rambling incoherently right now, not with much purpose anyway(is not what a blog is for, though?), fueled on by a rather melancholic mood at this instance.

Why?

There is an art to saying things without saying anything.

‘Till then.

The Bird and the Bee – How Deep Is Your Love

A glimmer of hope, followed by a quick, rapid burst of excitement, ending with another level of disillusionment, and the entire thing just repeats itself. You might think yourself numb, but you still aren’t. You still fall into the same trap like you always did, over and over and over again.

So I’m sitting here. Waiting for that piece of the sky to fall on my head, and finally wake me up.

I could only wish that I were still dreaming.